i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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