last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
