Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
