It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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