he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
