she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
