Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
