I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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