she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
