Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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