Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
