My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
