I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
this hospital has no fireball
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
