your parents love me but you hate me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
