I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
