This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
