he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
