my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
