She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
