Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
