I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she looked like the before picture.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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