woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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