The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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