Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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