I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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