You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
