so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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