Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize