I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
But theres a keg here and me gusta
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
