Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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