Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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