I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
