Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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