I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
