i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
