I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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