mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
