textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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