I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
