see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
