Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
