Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
