I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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