Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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