I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I love you. Go after that dick
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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