i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
