I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
