i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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