did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
