The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
