Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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