hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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