don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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